Monthly Archives: April 2008

Church Bulletin Bloopers

Thanks to Tom Overton and Bob Orrell for sending in the following church bloopers.
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: ‘Jesus Walks on the Water.’ The sermon tonight: ‘Searching for Jesus.’
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it , we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
The Rector will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing: ‘Break Forth Into Joy.’
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend th is tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday : ‘I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours’.

Religious Humor

Top Ten Quotes from Famous Biblical Mothers
10. Samson! Get your hand out of that lion. You don’t know where it’s been! (Judges 14:5-8)
9. David! I told you not to play in the house with that sling! Go practice your harp. We pay good money for those lessons!
8. Abraham! Stop wandering around the countryside and get home for supper!
7. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego! Leave those clothes outside, you smell like a dirty ol’ furnace!
6. Cain! Get off your brother! You’re going to kill him some day!
5. Noah! No, you can’t keep them! I told you, don’t bring home any more strays!
4. Gideon! Have you been hiding in that wine press again? Look at your clothes! (Judges 6:11)
3. James and John! No more burping contests at the dinner table, please. People are going to call you the sons of thunder! (Mark 3:17)
2. Judas! Have you been in my purse again?!
1. Jesus! What do you think, you were born in a barn?

The Fathers of the Church – Mike Aquilina

TheFathersOfTheChurchMikeAquilina.jpgHere’s another book I’ve recently added to my collection.
The Fathers of the Early Church (expanded edition) by Mike Aquilina serves as an introduction to the teachings of the first Christian teachers. I’ve only read a few pages, but can already tell I’m going to like this book. I’ve been looking forward to especially reading about Polycarp and Justin Martyr.
Here are some blurbs about this book:
Most Christians have at least a passing acquaintance with St. Augustine, but how many know much about Irenaeus, Cyprian, Origen, Polycarp, or Justin? These are just a few of the famous “Fathers of the Church” whose thoughts and teachings have influenced the entire history of Christianity. Now, in easy-to-read and understand language, Mike Aquilina offers “a first look” at the first Fathers.
Concentrating on the first centuries of the Church, this exciting historical overview of the formation of the Faith concentrates – not on the great movements and insights – but on the characters who gave voice to those ideas. From Clement, who was St. Peter’s successor, to John of Damascus, all the greatest names of the first millennium of Church history are present.
A must-read for all who seek to understand the Church’s past in order to prepare for her future.
“An ideal introduction to the early history of the Church” – Homiletic and Pastoral Review
“Simply a great read… a clear, compelling, accessible primer that’s a gem of readability for a popular audience. I highly reccomend it.” – Archbishop Charles Chaput
“Mike Aquilina has made the Fathers accessible, interesting, and – now and then at least – even fun.” – Russell Shaw in Lay Witness
“I am sure that the work in question will become a classic.” – Archimandrite Joseph Lee
“A very useful and well-written book, and a good addition to any library.” – Dave Yap, Greyfriars, Oxford
“A perceptive, well-written, and extremely useful introduction to the Church Fathers. The quotations from the Fathers themselves were chosen with care and will enlighten and inspire all serious Christians.” – Thomas Reeves, Professor of History, University of Wisconsin – Parkside, and author of The Empty Church”

Gaither Gospel

GaitherGospel.jpgOne of my father’s favorite TV shows was the Gaithers. Him and my mom would watch it nearly every Saturday night.
Dad never went to church as an adult. I never saw him read the bible. I don’t know if he prayed.
But, he was a Christian. If you feel it’s important to go to church every Sunday and read the bible daily; you wouldn’t consider him a good Christian. Then again, you wouldn’t consider me a good Christian; and if the truth be told, you probably don’t do that yourself.
How do I know my father was a Christian? We both belonged to the Masonic Fraternity. No, you don’t have to be a Christian to be a member of the Masonic lodge. You must however, believe in God to join the lodge. However, within the Masonic Fraternity, there are various branches consisting of other type lodges. You’ve no doubt heard of the York Rite and Scottish Rite.
Jews, within the Masonic Fraternity, go through the Scottish Rite after getting out of the Blue Lodge. They work their way up to a 32nd Degree Mason.
Within the York Rite, specifically the York Rite Commandary, one must profess his Christianity. Yes, my father was a Christian.
I’ve gotten a bit off target on this blog entry. Dad loved the Gaither Gospel Show. I remember being with him on those two Saturday evenings before he passed away. I remember watching the Gaithers.
Nora and I are now taping the shows and watching when we can.

Religious Humor

The Poor Country Pastor
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought.
“How could you do this!” he exclaimed.
“I don’t know,” she wailed,
“I was standing in the store looking at the dress on sale.
Then I found myself trying it on.
It was like the Devil was whispering to me, ‘Gee, you look great in that dress. You should buy it.'”
“Well,” the pastor persisted, “You know how to deal with him!
Just tell him, “Get behind me, Satan!”
“I did,” replied his wife, “but then he said “It looks great from back here, too.”

The Catholic Catechism

TheCatholicCatechismJohnHardon.jpgWhile I’m on the subject of Catholic Catechism, I’d thought this would be a good time to introduce everyone to another Catholic classic book.
The Catholic Catechism by John A. Hardon is considered a major work.
Here is what says of this book:
This volume is intended to meet a widely felt need for an up-to-date and concise source book on the principal teachings of the Catholic Church. Since the close of the Second Vatican Council, there has been such an accumulation of ecclesiastical constitutions and decrees and so many changes they introduced in Catholic practice that few people have been able to keep up with all that has happened. A parallel purpose of this volume is to offer those who use it a handy guidebook of the Catholic tradition, whether formally documented in ecclesiastical sources or implicitly accepted by the faithful under the aegis of the Church’s hierarchial leaders.

Pennies From Heaven

LincolnPennyInGodWeTrust.jpgNora sent this to me. Original source unknown.
You always hear the usual stories of pennies on the sidewalk being good luck, gifts from angels, etc. This is the first time I’ve ever heard this twist on the story. Gives you something to think about.
Several years ago, a friend of mine and her husband were invited to spend the weekend at the husband’s employer’s home. My friend, Arlene, was nervous about the weekend. The boss was very wealthy, with a fine home on the waterway, and cars costing more than her house.
The first day and evening went well, and Arlene was delighted to have this rare glimpse into how the very wealthy live. The husband’s employer was quite generous as a host, and took them to the finest restaurants. Arlene knew she would never have the opportunity to indulge in this kind of extravagance again, so was enjoying herself immensely.
As the three of them were about to enter an exclusive restaurant that even ing, the boss was walking slightly ahead of Arlene and her husband.
He stopped suddenly, looking down on the pavement for a long, silent moment.
Arlene wondered if she was supposed to pass him. There was nothing on the ground except a single darkened penny that someone had dropped, and a few cigarette butts Still silent, the man reached down and picked up the penny.
He held it up and smiled, then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure. How absurd! What need did this man have for a single penny? Why would he even take the time to stop and pick it up?
Throughout dinner, the entire scene nagged at her. Finally, she could stand it no longer. She casually mentioned that her daughter once had a coin collection, and asked if the penny he had found had been of some value.
A smile crept across the man’s face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see. She had seen many pennies before! What was the point of this?
“Look at it.” He said. “Read what it says.” She read the words ” United States of America ”
“No, not that; read further.”
“One cent?” “No, keep reading.”
“In God we Trust?” “Yes!” “And?”
“And if I trust in God, the name of God is holy, even on a coin. Whenever I find a coin I see that inscription. It is written on every single United States coin, but we never seem to notice it! God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him? Who am I to pass it by? When I see a coin, I pray, I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment. I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him. For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God’s way of starting a conversation with me. Lucky for me, God is patient and pennies are plentiful!
When I was out shopping today, I found a penny on the sidewalk. I stopped and picked it up, and realized that I had been worrying and fretting in my mind about things I cannot change. I read the words, “In God We Trust,” and had to laugh. Yes, God, I get the message.
It seems that I have been finding an inordinate number of pennies in the last few months, but then, pennies are plentiful! And, God is patient.

Lego Church – Amazing!

This is amazing! Someone certainly is talented and patient to create such a masterpiece
A few quick facts:
How long to build it? It was about a year and a half of planning, building and photographing
How many pieces of LEGO to build it? more than 75,000
How big is it? About 7 feet by 5 1/2 feet by 30 inches (2.2 m x 1.7 m x .76 m)
How many LEGO people does it seat? 1,372
How many windows? 3,976
It features a balcony, a Narthex, stairs to the balcony, restrooms, coat rooms, several mosaics, a nave, a baptistery, an altar, a crucifix, a pulpit and an elaborate pipe organ.

Religious Humor

Top Ten Signs You Are In For A Long Sermon
10. There’s a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.
9. The pews have camper hookups.
8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen!) extra tapes on hand to record today’s sermon.
7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.
6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.
5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.
4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.
3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.
2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.
And The Number One Sign You Are In For A Long Sermon
1. The minister says, “You’ll be out in time to watch the Super Bowl” but it’s only September!

God’s Way Of Saying “Have A Nice Day”

Here is a photo that Nora sent in (original source unknown).
Look at the formation of the three seagulls. They’re forming a smiley face.
It’s God’s way of saying, “Have a nice day.”