Thus far, I’m pleased with the changes that I’ve made in my life since the death of my father.
Death and grief have a tremendous effect on those left behind. I’m living proof.
I could have turned to drugs and liquor, gambling, or any one of a number of different vices.
However, I haven’t.
I’ve turned to God, the bible, and prayer. That’s a turn in the right direction.
I took the time I needed to mourn for my father. It is not over. It’s far from over. But, I’m slowly starting to get back to normal. I’m not trying to rush it. But I feel I’m slowly starting to ‘come out of it’.
The difficulties of last Friday and Saturday have not returned. I cried some since then, but not uncontrolably as I did Saturday at least two times. I’m sure it will happen again. It’s all part of the process.
But somehow, over the last day or so, I feel that I’m reentering society and the real world. I’m slowly getting the energy and desire to do something. And I’m finally starting to act on it.
I can’t help but think that my problem on Saturday might have been based in guilt. I felt the desire to work on re-doing my office and to do something constructive and positive.
Perhaps, something inside me scoffed at that. Perhaps something pulled at me in a quiet voice saying, “How can you do that! Your Dad died only 6 weeks ago! Going forth and doing those things you want keeps you busy. You should still be sitting around doing nothing but feeling sorry for yourself.”
That’s just a thought. But I know this – my Dad would want me living life to the fullest. He’d want me to remain active and busy. He’d want me to continue using my brain; not sitting there letting it turn to mush.
He’d want me to do what I’m doing right now. He’d support my plans to attend bible college. He’d support my plans to read and study the bible. He’s support my plans on changing my inner being and becoming a better person and a better Christian.
Thanks, Dad. I miss you very much and always will. I’ll hold on forever to my memories of you. I’ll tell your great grandson about you. I’ll keep my promise that I made to you that I wanted to be more like you. I want my son and grandson to look up to me, the way I looked up to you. You’ve made me what I am today and have given me the desire to be like you. That’s the greatest gift you’ve given me. Your love and total support was always appreciated.
It’s ashame that it took me 57 1/2 years to realize that what I really wanted in life was to be exactly like you.