The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell

Judas Asparagus
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???
Through the eyes of a child:
The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.
The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did. Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your
neighbor’s stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.
One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.
Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Long Distance Call To God

Thanks to Bette Nutt for sending in the following:
A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to New York and started working West from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read, Calls: $10,000 A Minute.’
Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The Pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the Pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Pittsburgh, Ohio, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign and the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Montana. Upon entering St. Raphael’s church in Glasgow, behold – he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read, ‘Calls: 35 cents.’
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the Pastor. ‘Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to heaven, and that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?’
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied,
‘Son, you’re in Montana now …… You’re in God’s country. It’s a local call.’

Keep Your Fork

Thanks to Bette Nutt for sending in the following:
There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things ‘in order,’ she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.
She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.
Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her.
‘There’s one more thing,’ she said excitedly.
‘What’s that?’ came the Pastor’s reply.
‘This is very important,’ the young woman continued. ‘I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand.’
The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say.
That surprises you, doesn’t it?’ the young woman asked.
‘Well, to be honest, I’m puzzled by the request,’ said the Pastor.
The young woman explained. ‘My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, ‘Keep your fork.’ It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming…like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!’
So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder ‘What’s with the fork?’ Then I want you to tell them: ‘Keep your fork ..the best is yet to come.’
The Pastor’s eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming.
At the funeral people were walking by the young woman’s casket and they saw the cloak she was wearing and the fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, ‘What’s with the fork?’ And over and over he smiled.
During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either.
He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come.
Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed.They make you smile and encourage you to succeed.
Cherish the time you have, and the memories you share … being friends with someone is not an opportunity but a sweet responsibility.

Sister Mary Ann’s Gasoline

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.
Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said
‘If it starts, I’m turning Catholic’

Religious Humor

Convent Trip
Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July.
It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire’s Pub for a cold soft drink.
Patty had recently added special legs to her barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door.
They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.
NunsTakeAbreak.jpg

Children’s Letters To God #17

Below is one of seventeen “children’s letters to God” that is being posted on this blog between 1 July, 2008 and 17 July 2008. As Art Linkletter used to say, “Kids say the darnest things.”
ChildrensLetter2God17.jpg

Children’s Letters To God #16

Below is one of seventeen “children’s letters to God” that is being posted on this blog between 1 July, 2008 and 17 July 2008. As Art Linkletter used to say, “Kids say the darnest things.”
ChildrensLetter2God16.jpg

Children’s Letters To God #15

Below is one of seventeen “children’s letters to God” that is being posted on this blog between 1 July, 2008 and 17 July 2008. As Art Linkletter used to say, “Kids say the darnest things.”
ChildrensLetter2God15.jpg

Children’s Letters To God #14

Below is one of seventeen “children’s letters to God” that is being posted on this blog between 1 July, 2008 and 17 July 2008. As Art Linkletter used to say, “Kids say the darnest things.”
ChildrensLetter2God14.jpg

Children’s Letters To God #13

Below is one of seventeen “children’s letters to God” that is being posted on this blog between 1 July, 2008 and 17 July 2008. As Art Linkletter used to say, “Kids say the darnest things.”
ChildrensLetter2God13.jpg